The secret to feeling loved, connected and supported

The title of this post may sound very dramatic, but I think it is important to get the word out. If you are feeling lonely, left out, unimportant, or even ashamed, there is way you can change all of that. This change, however, will come at a cost.

One of my clients, Brooke (not her real name), tearfully shared with me how dumb she felt about her choice to keep going back to her ex-boyfriend over and over for the last 6 years. Her friends had told her a hundred times to leave him, but it had been too difficult to completely sever ties. Now her ex had moved on and was dating a much younger girl. Brooke felt old and rejected. She wondered if any man would ever want her, and she felt too ashamed to open up to her friends who she thought must be tired of listening to her. As a result, she felt completely isolated.

I encouraged Brooke to open up to a trusted friend. It takes great courage to be open about our vulnerabilities, but it is the best way I have found to start letting go of the shame and start feeling loved.

Brene Brown has a wonderful TED talk about this topic. Check it out if you want to hear more about how to live whole heartedly. In the talk, Brown says that "vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, belonging, creativity, and love." In other words, if you want to be creative, have joy, and feel a sense of belonging and love, you must first have the courage to be real and vulnerable with those around you.

Brooke came back the following week and told me that she had opened up with her girlfriends over dinner. She was surprised to find out that her girlfriends did not express judgment. They listened attentively, spoke kindly, and supported her in her pain. "I guess I do have support in my life" she said. Brooke's courage to be open about her struggle allowed her to feel loved by her friends.

Brene Brown suggests some ways that you can start to feel this sense of joy and connection in your life.

Let yourself be seen. Be open about who you are and what you are struggling with.
Love with your whole heart. Even though there is no guarantee you will receive love in return.
Practice gratitude and lean into joy even when life is difficult and you feel like catastrophizing.

Being vulnerable seems counterintuitive to what our culture has taught us about not showing weakness and presenting a perfect facade. Don't believe the lie. Your vulnerability is often what makes you beautiful.

Using Gratitude To Find Your Joy - Youtube Video
The Effects of Gratitude - Blog Post

Comments

Letting go of broken relationships

One of my Houston clients brought in this picture of a naked woman embracing a skeleton. She told me it had moved her deeply and spoke to her in a way that words could not. For this client, it was a visual depiction of a relationship she was holding onto with a man who could never really give her what she needed. When he would call her, she experienced a rush of happiness. But when he ignored her for days or weeks, she was forlorn and hopeless. She questioned herself and wondered why she was not more attractive to him. She was sure that if she were prettier, or smarter, or better in some way, he would be more interested. And she hated herself for not being able to just move on despite knowing the relationship was broken and lifeless. Seeing all of this depicted in this image communicated directly to her heart what was really going on. She was holding onto a man who was emotionally dead, unable to give back or love, or share in any satisfying way. She felt disgusted at t...

Life With A Narcissist

During the recent presidential election cycle, people threw around the term narcissist or narcissistic personality disorder a lot when talking about Donald Trump. Many articles were written and tweets tweeted about the subject. As a therapist, I know that I can not diagnose someone I have never examined, but the discussions did call to mind my clients who have partners that exhibit traits of narcissism or even full-blown narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)? NPD is a mental health diagnosis that is characterized by an unhealthy sense of self-importance, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. Many people have traits of narcissism, but very few, about 6.2% of the population, would meet diagnostic criteria for NPD. You can learn more about it from this nifty animated video: How does narcissism affect you in a relationship? I can recall one client, Cindy, who came to me feeling...

How To Support Someone Going Through Infertility

Guest Blog Post by Sarah Bradshaw ------------------------- For many women, trying to get pregnant is difficult, stressful, and painful Have you heard this story: woman meets someone, they fall in love, commit to one another, and then along comes a baby (or two or three)? Simple, right? For many women, having a baby is anything but simple. It can, in fact, be a difficult, stressful and potentially painful --both emotionally and physically--experience . Sometimes, the above stor y goes like this: woman meets someone, they fall in love , commit to one another, and then--nothing, absolutely nothing. The woman goes to see her do ctor to see if something is wrong . Sometimes , there's nothing wrong . The doctor says it’s just going to take more time (insert frown or angry face here) . S ometimes they get referred to a specialist. The referral is the start of a very bumpy and emotional ride. I know be cau se I have been there, and I know many other women who ha...

Wilson Counseling: The Armchair Chronicles

Search This Blog