Skip to main content

You Never Marry the Right Person

Image
By
image:deathtostockphoto.com



Doing couples counseling can be some of the most rewarding and exhilarating work I do as a Houston therapist, but sometimes it is also heart breaking stuff. By the time couples come in to see me, they usually have years of frustration, anger and resentment coursing through their veins. They may even view their partner more as adversary than ally. Life is incredibly lonely and conflictual when you can not find peace in your home and in your marriage.

But, if through therapy, couples can start to tear down the walls they have erected to guard their hearts, it is a beautiful thing to see the healing take place. I genuinely believe that marriage is one of the best places to heal all of the brokenness that world has thrown your way, but it requires consistent and often challenging work.

One of the biggest myths about marriage that poisons the well for couples is the idea that if you find the "right" partner, marriage will be smooth, natural, even easy. If you believe this, it is simple to see why couples assume that when marriage is difficult or even bitter, then maybe they married the wrong person. You may have felt this way along the line. "Did I make a mistake?" "Wouldn't my life be better without ____" Ultimately, I think marriage is not really about marrying the right person as much as it is about being the right person. Duke University ethics professor Stanley Hauerwas put it this way, "The primary challenge of marriage is learning how to love and car for the stranger to whom you find yourself married."

Theologian and pastor Tim Keller explores this idea in an article entitled, "You Never Marry The Right Person."  He points out that any two people who enter marriage are inherently broken and therefore are selfish by nature. He goes on to quote Dennis De Rougemont who says ,"Why should neurotic, selfish, immature people suddenly become angels when they fall in love....?"  Our expectations for marriage and for our partners are completely unrealistic. Ultimately, I think this is to our detriment.

When couples come in to see me and both of them want me to fix their partner, I know there is going to be a problem. If no one in the room recognizes that they are a problem, then we have nothing to work with. I do feel that some relationships are broken beyond repair. If you are married to a person who is abusive, for example, I am not suggesting that you stick around hoping that things get better. But for most of us, our relational problems are fixable.

Before you try fixing your partner, I recommend that you try to focus on yourself. Ask yourself, what are the things I am bringing into the relationship that are not helpful? Start working on those things first. As you experience transformation in yourself, you will be more stable and capable of working on your marriage. One step at a time, your marriage can be a place of healing and peace. As long as you live, your relationships will require cultivation and nourishment to flourish. I know working on your relationship may sound like a drag, but the alternative is a relationship that withers and dies before it has a chance to become something beautiful.

If you are struggling and would like help, we have Houston, Texas Counselors who can meet with you. You can contact us 713 -591- 3612 or by email at Nancy @ wilsoncounseling. org. This blog is not intended to substitute for professional counseling. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Letting go of broken relationships

By
One of my Houston clients brought in this picture of a naked woman embracing a skeleton. She told me it had moved her deeply and spoke to her in a way that words could not. For this client, it was a visual depiction of a relationship she was holding onto with a man who could never really give her what she needed. When he would call her, she experienced a rush of happiness. But when he ignored her for days or weeks, she was forlorn and hopeless. She questioned herself and wondered why she was not more attractive to him. She was sure that if she were prettier, or smarter, or better in some way, he would be more interested. And she hated herself for not being able to just move on despite knowing the relationship was broken and lifeless.  Seeing all of this depicted in this image communicated directly to her heart what was really going on. She was holding onto a man who was emotionally dead, unable to give back or love, or share in any satisfying way. She felt disgusted at t...
11 comments
Read more

Life With A Narcissist

By
During the recent presidential election cycle, people threw around the term narcissist or narcissistic personality disorder a lot when talking about Donald Trump. Many articles were written and tweets tweeted about the subject. As a therapist, I know that I can not diagnose someone I have never examined, but the discussions did call to mind my clients who have partners that exhibit traits of narcissism or even full-blown narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)? NPD is a mental health diagnosis that is characterized by an unhealthy sense of self-importance, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. Many people have traits of narcissism, but very few, about 6.2% of the population, would meet diagnostic criteria for NPD. You can learn more about it from this nifty animated video: How does narcissism affect you in a relationship? I can recall one client, Cindy,  who came to me feeling...
4 comments
Read more

How To Support Someone Going Through Infertility

By
Guest Blog Post by Sarah Bradshaw ------------------------- For many women, trying to get pregnant is difficult, stressful, and painful Have you heard this story: woman meets someone, they fall in love, commit to one another, and then along comes a baby (or two or three)? Simple, right? For many women, having a baby is anything but simple. It can, in fact, be a difficult, stressful and potentially painful --both emotionally and physically--experience . Sometimes, the above stor y goes like this: woman meets someone, they fall in love , commit to one another, and then--nothing, absolutely nothing. The woman goes to see her do ctor to see if something is wrong . Sometimes , there's nothing wrong . The doctor says it’s just going to take more time (insert frown or angry face here) . S ometimes they get referred to a specialist. The referral is the start of a very bumpy and emotional ride. I know be cau se I have been there, and I know many other women who ha...
4 comments
Read more