Why break-ups are so painful

Love hurts, literally

You can see the physical and emotional pain in the body language of someone who has gone through a recent breakup. It hurts to exist. It looks like it takes all their energy just to hold themselves up. The metaphorical weight of the world seems to be literally propped on their shoulders, threatening to crush them. And the distant, glassy look in their eyes betrays the fact that they are not fully present. It is too painful to exist fully in the here and now.

The most popular post I have ever written is entitled "Letting go of broken relationships." It resonates with people because so many people in broken relationships can't let go. We fear the breakup. We are wired to avoid pain, so why would we court it by breaking up with our partner?

Some of the most depressed clients I have worked with are those going through recent break-ups. I had one client recently who commented, "My ex is already posting pictures of herself with another guy on Facebook. It kills me so badly. I don't know what to do" I think the language he used in that statement is both typical and instructive. It "kills" him to see his ex with another. He is talking about physical pain, not just emotional.

The physical effects of heart break

Research shows that physcial pain and emotional pain are nearly the same.

Emotional pain lights up the same pathways in the brain as physical pain
After a breakup the body often releases stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline which can lead to restlessness, chest pain, muscle tension, digestive problems and other physical symptoms
Brain scans show that cravings for an ex look like cravings for cocaine

Your brain is hard wired to move on

Your pain is real, but it is finite. I had a friend who likened being depressed to being stuck in a giant pile of dung. When you look around, all you see and smell and feel is shit. But, if you can just get past the dung pile, you will know that there is joy, richness, and life. On the plus side, new research supports the idea that your brain is hard wired to move on.

If you are struggling with the pain of a breakup or a difficult relationship, professional counseling can help. You can call our Houston therapist at 713 - 591 -3612, or visit the Wilson Counseling website at www.wilsoncounseling.org to find out more.

Comments

Letting go of broken relationships

One of my Houston clients brought in this picture of a naked woman embracing a skeleton. She told me it had moved her deeply and spoke to her in a way that words could not. For this client, it was a visual depiction of a relationship she was holding onto with a man who could never really give her what she needed. When he would call her, she experienced a rush of happiness. But when he ignored her for days or weeks, she was forlorn and hopeless. She questioned herself and wondered why she was not more attractive to him. She was sure that if she were prettier, or smarter, or better in some way, he would be more interested. And she hated herself for not being able to just move on despite knowing the relationship was broken and lifeless. Seeing all of this depicted in this image communicated directly to her heart what was really going on. She was holding onto a man who was emotionally dead, unable to give back or love, or share in any satisfying way. She felt disgusted at t...

Life With A Narcissist

During the recent presidential election cycle, people threw around the term narcissist or narcissistic personality disorder a lot when talking about Donald Trump. Many articles were written and tweets tweeted about the subject. As a therapist, I know that I can not diagnose someone I have never examined, but the discussions did call to mind my clients who have partners that exhibit traits of narcissism or even full-blown narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)? NPD is a mental health diagnosis that is characterized by an unhealthy sense of self-importance, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. Many people have traits of narcissism, but very few, about 6.2% of the population, would meet diagnostic criteria for NPD. You can learn more about it from this nifty animated video: How does narcissism affect you in a relationship? I can recall one client, Cindy, who came to me feeling...

How To Support Someone Going Through Infertility

Guest Blog Post by Sarah Bradshaw ------------------------- For many women, trying to get pregnant is difficult, stressful, and painful Have you heard this story: woman meets someone, they fall in love, commit to one another, and then along comes a baby (or two or three)? Simple, right? For many women, having a baby is anything but simple. It can, in fact, be a difficult, stressful and potentially painful --both emotionally and physically--experience . Sometimes, the above stor y goes like this: woman meets someone, they fall in love , commit to one another, and then--nothing, absolutely nothing. The woman goes to see her do ctor to see if something is wrong . Sometimes , there's nothing wrong . The doctor says it’s just going to take more time (insert frown or angry face here) . S ometimes they get referred to a specialist. The referral is the start of a very bumpy and emotional ride. I know be cau se I have been there, and I know many other women who ha...

Wilson Counseling: The Armchair Chronicles

Search This Blog